Burdenism and the Difficulty of Asking for Help

Many people believe they are a burden to others. Burdenism is the assumption that one’s needs, emotions, or presence are a problem rather than a regular part of being human. People living with this belief often feel pressure to minimize themselves to be tolerated.

This belief usually forms through experience. It develops in families, schools, workplaces, or relationships where asking for help was ignored, criticized, or met with withdrawal. Over time, a person may learn that remaining silent feels safer than speaking up and that seeking support increases the risk of rejection.

Common thoughts linked to burdenism

People experiencing burdenism may find themselves thinking:

“I don’t want to take their time.”
“I should be able to handle this on my own.”
“They are better off without me.”
“I’ve already asked too much.”

These thoughts are often reinforced by anxiety, shame, isolation, repeated rejection, or long-standing boundary injuries. When left unexamined, they can shape how a person understands their value and what they believe they are allowed to need from others.

Why asking for help can feel unsafe

For many people, asking for help does not simply feel uncomfortable. It feels unsafe. If early attempts to ask were dismissed, punished, or met with irritation, the body learns to expect the same response again. Over time, avoiding help becomes a way to prevent further harm, not a lack of effort or desire.

This pattern can show up in adulthood at work, in friendships, and in close relationships. The person may appear independent while feeling isolated internally.

How coaching can support this pattern

Coaching can help someone examine where these beliefs took shape and how they continue to influence decisions, boundaries, and relationships. Coaching focuses on awareness, reflection, and making healthy choices.

Through conversation, guided reflection, and practical experimentation, people can begin to notice the assumptions they carry about themselves and test whether those assumptions still fit their current life. This process supports a more grounded understanding of needs without framing those needs as a problem.

Ways these narratives can begin to shift

One starting point is to notice the internal message rather than argue with it.

“I am assuming my needs are inconvenient.”
“I am expecting rejection before it happens.”

Another step is to practice making direct requests without overexplaining.

“I need support with this.”
“I want to be heard, even if the answer is no.”

Clarifying personal values such as honesty, care, connection, or responsibility can help guide decisions without relying on others’ reactions to define worth.

It can also help to separate fear from identity.

“Fear is making it hard to ask right now.”
“Past experiences shape this reaction.”

Finally, noticing moments that contradict the belief matters. This may include times when someone listens, stays present, or follows through without resentment.

Working with burdenism through coaching

If this pattern feels familiar, coaching can offer a structured space to examine it without judgment. In my work, I support people in noticing how long-standing beliefs shape their choices, boundaries, and relationships, and in practicing new ways of responding that feel more sustainable and self-directed.

Coaching is not about fixing or changing who you are. It is about developing awareness, strengthening self-trust, and learning how to ask for support without turning that need into evidence against yourself.

If you would like to schedule a session, appointments can be booked directly through Vagaro:

https://www.vagaro.com/healingartscenter

To schedule with Mark, please call our office or email info@healingartsvb.com

I offer in-person sessions in Virginia Beach and virtual coaching.