Why Self-Care Needs to Include How You Talk to Yourself
We've been sold a version of self-care focused on bubble baths, face masks, and green smoothies. These feel-good fixes last briefly but are external fixes for internal struggles. Your circumstances rarely change how you feel about yourself, and when they do, the change is fleeting.
Self-care is marketed as something to buy, as an indulgence instead of a need. Overuse has diluted its meaning. Purchases mean little when your inner talk insists you’re unworthy, not enough, or too much.
Let's explore what self-care looks like, including how you actually talk to yourself.
Why External Care Only Goes So Far
Say your inner dialogue tells you that your body is wrong, or someone tells you you're "too much." A nourishing meal might support your body, but it won't help you address what's happening internally.
When you can't stand the thoughts in your head, or you're struggling to meet basic needs, a bubble bath doesn't cut it. You might want to run from these feelings. Others might want to numb them with substances or distraction. When these patterns intensify, some turn to self-destructive habits.
In these instances, it doesn't matter if you treated yourself to something nice that day. External fixes don't change how you criticize yourself or how you hurt yourself. You can take a bubble bath and still hate what you see in the mirror. You can get a massage and still feel completely alone.
It's fundamental to recognize that real self-care means including your internal dialogue—the way you speak to yourself every day.
The Voice Inside Your Head
Most of us know the feeling of being "not enough" or feeling like a burden. How does that inner dialogue sound when you're filled with self-criticism?
Difficult experiences you've lived through can bury joy, happiness, and feelings of worth. When you feel angry, that anger can become critical and turn inward, attacking you instead of addressing what actually hurt you.
What if you could separate the harsh criticism and feelings of worthlessness from the part of you that wants to feel joyful, empowered, and lighter? What if you could begin to see this dialogue as something you can actually participate in rather than just endure?
What if self-care meant engaging with your emotions through compassionate internal dialogue, rather than just soothing or avoiding them?
You don't have to accept the voice telling you that you're not enough, helpless, or hopeless. Considering it as only part of you, not the whole truth, creates space between your core self and your critical self. This lets you slowly interact with that voice in ways that make it quieter and less consuming.
Caring for Yourself in This Moment
One way to practice this is by asking what the most scared or hurt part of yourself wants and needs right now. When you can't stand the thoughts whirling around, what are these patterns trying to tell you?
Most of us have experienced difficult things that influenced how we see ourselves. When that happens, parts of ourselves step up and blame us for what we experienced. This kind of self-care means asking how you can work with those parts instead of fighting them or believing everything they say.
Start by noticing your inner dialogue. Your mind tries to find balance, even if it’s unhelpful. If you shift your awareness inward, you can notice which part needs compassion to move toward acceptance.
If you notice which part is stepping in with criticism rooted in painful past experiences, you can establish a new conversation that allows them to be heard and redirected toward more constructive, supportive roles.
Here's what it can look like: When you notice harsh self-criticism, you might acknowledge it by saying internally, "I hear you, you feel that way, and that's okay. Right now, though, I'm doing my best. So let's be okay together."
This can slow your inner critic and help you accept what you're experiencing without being consumed by it.
Why This Can Feel Uncomfortable
This approach isn't always comfortable and can actually feel scary. On the outside, it might look like going to bed earlier than you want to, or choosing not to drink because you know how you'll feel afterward. It can also mean being able to say no, set boundaries, and tune in to your emotions rather than numbing them.
On the inside, it's about letting yourself experience difficult emotions and seeing them directly, rather than avoiding them through distraction or substances.
Let's find a way to talk to yourself that helps you feel better. Let's use the inner dialogue everyone has and turn it into something that helps lift you out of difficult spaces when they're no longer serving you.
This means exploring how you see, accept, and work with the parts of yourself that feel dark or scary.
Finding Ways to Work With Intense Emotions
As someone who works with people navigating difficult emotions, I've seen how intense feelings show up. Some people restrict. Some people have recurrent patterns of self-hatred. Others drink or stay busy. Some people's bodies feel physical sickness or pain from the intense emotions they're holding.
You're experiencing something many people experience. We can all feel pressure and a sense of being trapped in our own emotions.
How do you care for yourself when these times happen? Start by listening to what's actually happening internally and asking what you need at that moment. Then do the things that will help you work with that intense energy rather than turning it against yourself.
It may entail taking a walk or mindful breathing. Or sharing what you're going through with someone. Or moving your body in a way that helps discharge what you're feeling. Once you engage with what's happening internally, maybe that's when external care like a bubble bath or listening to music feels right.
It probably entails exploring those thoughts and feelings more deliberately, with support from practices or people who can help you navigate them. It definitely involves reminding yourself that you're okay, even when everything feels overwhelming.
Building This Capacity
At Healing Arts Center in Virginia Beach, we support people in developing this kind of internal self-care through somatic practices, mindfulness, and creative expression. Our work is centered on helping you build a different relationship with your inner dialogue, so you are not constantly fighting yourself while managing stress, anxiety, or life transitions.
In sessions, we slow down enough to notice what is happening in your body, how your nervous system responds under pressure, and how certain internal narratives become activated during difficult moments. Rather than trying to override those reactions, we help you understand them. This creates space between you and the critical voice that can feel overpowering. Over time, that space allows for more grounded responses instead of automatic self-judgment.
We work with individuals from all walks of life who are navigating stress, emotional overwhelm, burnout, relationship strain, and major transitions. As a veteran-owned center, we also work with military members, veterans, and family members who are managing the distinctive demands of military life. Our approach unites somatic awareness, mindfulness practices, and creative exploration to help you engage your inner world in a structured and supported way.
This is not about eliminating difficult emotions. It is about building the capacity to stay present with yourself when they arise. As that capacity grows, the way you speak to yourself during hard moments begins to shift. The inner dialogue becomes less punishing and more constructive.
If you are ready to explore this work, you can learn more about our sessions and offerings here:
https://www.healingartsvb.com
To view availability or book a session directly, visit:
https://www.vagaro.com/healingartscenter
Self-care is not only about what you do or buy. It is about how you speak to yourself, especially during moments of overwhelm, shame, anger, or exhaustion. When your internal dialogue shifts, everything else begins to change, too.
