Learning to Embrace Spontaneity (When Planning Used to Be Survival)
Last year, my daughter asked if I wanted to go to New York with her.
Then she added, "Mom, I want to plan this one."
I've always been the planner. The one coordinating schedules, anticipating problems, holding everything together. So letting her take the lead felt strange at first.
But my business partner supported me taking the time off, and I didn't even pack my laptop. That would never have happened at my old job, where vacation meant being on call constantly for whatever work emergency came up. This time, I just got to show up and be present with my daughter.
When Planning Becomes Protection
For years, while building my client base spontaneity didn't feel realistic. Everything required planning and coordination.
Planning wasn't just a preference. It was how I stayed safe, functional, and responsible during long stretches of stress and instability. It was how I avoided chaos. It was how I thought I could create success.
And it worked. Planning carried me through those years. It helped me build something stable when life felt anything but.
But somewhere along the way, I'd stopped letting myself actually enjoy things.
The Shift
After 2022, working with Mark helped me understand that healing from a narcissistic, abusive relationship required having spontaneous fun.
Not because planning was wrong, but because it had become the only way I knew how to move. Control had become so automatic that I couldn't tell the difference between choosing it and needing it.
A week before Christmas, I decided to have a spa day with my daughter. I'd booked the appointment earlier in the month but left the rest of the day completely open. No itinerary. No plan.
After we got our hair done, we started wandering through the Vibe District and just followed what felt good. The art gallery. A bakery. A coffee shop. The farmer’s market. We moved from one place to the next without overthinking it.
Learning to Notice What Feels Good
What I started noticing that day were small sensations I'd been too busy planning to catch before. A softening in my chest when my daughter laughed at something. A lightness in my shoulders when I wasn't carrying the weight of the entire day's schedule. The way my breath deepened when I stopped rushing from one thing to the next.
These weren't big moments. They were brief. Easy to miss if you're not paying attention.
But when I let myself notice them and acknowledged, "Oh, this feels good," something shifted. My body started looking for more of these moments instead of scanning for what might go wrong.
Meeting a friend for coffee without planning the conversation. Watching my daughter discover something she loves. The quiet satisfaction of choosing what feels right in the moment instead of what I decided three weeks ago should feel right.
These small moments add up. They teach your nervous system that pleasure and ease are possible, not just productivity and control.
Practicing Leaving Space
Here is what I learned. It's about leaving space instead of automatically filling it. Saying yes to what emerges, not just to what's already planned.
Start small. Say yes to moments you'd normally skip over because they weren't scheduled. Notice what happens when you're not three steps ahead.
It will feel uncomfortable. That discomfort is part of the process. It signals that your nervous system is doing something new, practicing a different way of being.
The discomfort is often exactly why it matters.
Why This Pattern Shows Up in Somatic Coaching
Working in a toxic work environment taught me to hyper-plan, stay constantly vigilant, never fully let my guard down, and always be three steps ahead.
I see this same pattern with nearly every client I work with. They've developed strategies that kept them safe during difficult seasons. Hyper-planning. Constant vigilance. Never fully relaxing. Always anticipating what's next.
These are protective responses your body develops when it needs to. You learn to stay braced, to anticipate, to control. And that response makes complete sense given what you've been through.
The challenge is that these protective patterns don't always turn off when circumstances change. Your body can still be running programs designed for survival even when you're no longer in those circumstances.
And when you're constantly scanning for threat, you miss the moments that signal safety and pleasure.
How Somatic Coaching Works With This
Somatic coaching works by rebuilding the connection between what your body feels and what you consciously notice. Difficult experiences don't just live in your thoughts. They're held in your body through tension patterns, restricted breathing, braced posture, and a nervous system that stays vigilant even when it doesn't need to.
Through body-based practices like breathwork, tracking physical sensations, and noticing shifts in your posture and breath, you learn to release these patterns and help your nervous system find balance again.
The work involves paying closer attention to what's happening in your body. Where do you hold tension? How does your breath change when you feel uncertain? What happens in your chest, jaw, or shoulders when something unexpected comes up? What does it feel like when your body softens, even slightly?
We also practice noticing the opposite. Where does your body soften when something feels good? What does ease actually feel like in your system? Can you let yourself recognize those moments without immediately moving past them?
We create enough safety that your nervous system can begin to relax its grip without feeling threatened.
Because here's what I've learned, both personally and professionally: you can't think your way out of protective patterns that live in your body. You have to work with the body itself.
The Practice of Creating Space
This work isn't about becoming a different person. It's about giving your nervous system permission to stop running old programs that no longer serve you.
It might look like:
Saying no to plans without having another plan to replace them
Sitting with not knowing what comes next, without immediately filling that space
Noticing when your body braces against uncertainty and choosing to breathe instead
Allowing yourself to rest without earning it through productivity
Catching those brief moments when something feels good and actually pausing to feel it
Small practices. Small moments of choosing something different.
Growth Doesn't Require Transformation
You don't need to become someone who loves spontaneity. You don't need to stop planning altogether.
You just need to create enough room that when an opportunity shows up, your body doesn't automatically reject it because of fear You need to practice noticing when something feels good so your nervous system learns that ease is safe.
Planning helped you survive. Now the work is learning that it doesn't have to define every moment of your life.
The discomfort you feel when you practice leaving space? That's not failure. That's your nervous system doing something new. And doing something new always feels uncomfortable at first.
But discomfort is also information. It tells you where your old protective patterns are still active. Where your body is still braced against unpredictability.
And when you can work with that somatically, when you can notice the small moments that feel good alongside the discomfort, you give yourself the chance to respond differently.
If you recognize yourself in this pattern, I'd love to work with you. Somatic coaching helps you understand how protective strategies live in your body and guides you in creating enough safety to loosen their grip.
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