You Did Not Manifest Your Trauma

This post describes sexual assault, child sexual abuse, and terminal illness.

By Victoria Duarte, trauma-informed Reiki practitioner and neuro-somatic coach, co-founder of Healing Arts Center, Virginia Beach.

There is a specific thing being taught in some wellness spaces, and it is not the same as being told to cheer up. It is the claim that you brought your pain on yourself. That you attracted it, or invited it, or failed to keep it away by thinking better thoughts. That claim is false, and this is what it does to people.

In fifteen years of practice I have sat with a woman who was sexually assaulted and had not slept in weeks. I have sat with someone who found out the love of their life had been living a second one. I have sat with a parent who was told their child's cancer would not be cured. I have sat with someone holding an invitation to the funeral of the grandfather who molested them.

Not one of them manifested it.

What I am, and what I am not

I am not a therapist. My clients have either finished therapy, or they are seeing me and their therapist at the same time, or they are on a waitlist and I am who they have while they wait. I know what I am, I know what I am not, and I know who to send someone to.

I say that because the rest of this is about practitioners who do not draw that line.

What Happens After Someone Believes It

People often come into my office having already been told their pain is something they created. No one stopped to ask if the suffering in front of them was truly theirs to own.

Then something predictable happens. Once someone believes they caused the worst thing that ever happened to them, they feel they’re not allowed to have any feelings about it. Anger becomes proof they’re doing it wrong. Sadness means they’re stuck. Fear will only invite more pain.

So they stop sharing how they actually feel—even with me. They keep it inside, while paying someone to confirm it’s their fault. They feel invisible, convinced all over again that they’re the failure.

That isn’t healing. That’s trusting the wrong person to help you.

What It Teaches the Body to Do

Being told you’re responsible for your own suffering doesn’t make you examine it more closely. It teaches you to distance yourself from it, physically or emotionally.

This is the opposite of my work. I help people return to their bodies and face what’s really happening. Most people already know how to pull away by the time they reach me; it was a skill that once kept them safe. They don’t need to be taught to disconnect all over again—especially by someone charging them for it.

Research backs this up. Emotion scientists compare two strategies: changing how you interpret a situation, and hiding what you feel. Hiding feelings doesn’t make them smaller; it just makes your pain invisible to others while your body remains on high alert. Over time, this can leave you feeling fake and make genuine connection harder.

Reframing your perspective can be helpful. Pretending everything is fine only changes what others see. I’ve written more about this distinction in pieces on toxic positivity.

Both Things Are True

Your circumstances are real. And yes, the way you look at them still shapes what you can do next.

Anyone who tells you that you are being punished, or that this would not have happened if you had raised your vibration, is running a scam whether they know it or not.

Hard times happen to everyone. How you move through them depends not just on what happened, but on which inner voice you practice listening to. At first, the kinder voice will sound false. You might think, “Who am I kidding? That isn’t me.”

You’re right—it isn’t you yet. But it could be.

Staying stuck in the old story costs people new conversations and opportunities they never try. It convinces them the heaviness is permanent. I’ve seen that happen, and I’ve seen it change.

What We Do Instead of Toxic Positivity

I work at Healing Arts Center, a veteran-owned collective in Virginia Beach. Being a collective means you can look at who works here and choose the person who sounds right for you, rather than being handed to whoever is free that week.

It also means we are not all doing the same job. Erin Freeman is a Licensed Professional Counselor and sees clients for therapy. I do somatic and mindfulness coaching and trauma-informed Reiki. Other practitioners here work in Reiki, sound, and nutrition. If what you need is not what I do, I will say so and point you to the person who does it, whether that person is here or somewhere else.

Cost should not be the thing that stops you. Several of us offer sliding scale pricing, and some of our work with the Special Operations Forces community is funded directly by SOF foundations. Ask us before you decide you cannot afford to come in.

Common questions

Do you believe people manifest their own trauma, the way some coaches teach?

No, and I want to say that as plainly as I can. Assault is caused by the person who commits it. Cancer is caused by cells dividing wrong. Betrayal is caused by the person who lied. None of those are caused by what the person on the receiving end was thinking. A practitioner who tells you that you attracted a catastrophe is telling you what they believe, not what they know, and that belief takes away your right to have feelings about your own life.

Why do people teach that you attract your own suffering?

Some of it is a sincere belief, taught by people who were taught it themselves and never had it questioned. Some of it is easier than staying in the room with someone in real pain. Either way, the person paying for the session is the one who ends up holding the blame.

Should I see a coach or a therapist?

If you are in crisis, managing a diagnosis, or need clinical care, see a licensed therapist. Coaching supports growth, self-awareness, and everyday wellbeing, and it is not a substitute for treatment. A good practitioner will tell you plainly which one you need and will refer you when it is the other.

Can I see a coach and a therapist at the same time?

Yes, and plenty of people do. Some of my clients have finished therapy, some are in it now, and some are on a waitlist and working with me while they wait. The two are not in competition.

About the author

Victoria Duarte is a co-founder of Healing Arts Center in Virginia Beach, a trauma-informed Reiki practitioner, and a meditation and neuro-somatic coach with more than fifteen years of practice supporting adults through stress, grief, and life changes. She has been vetted through several Special Operations Forces foundations and has offered Reiki, mindfulness, and somatic practice at retreats and in sessions for the military community. She is not a licensed therapist and refers to licensed clinicians, including within the Healing Arts Center collective. Book with her at vagaro.com/healingartscenter.

This is a coaching and wellness perspective, not clinical care, and it does not replace working with a licensed mental health professional. Our collective includes licensed clinical services, and we refer both within and outside the collective when that is the better fit. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 in the United States.

Healing Arts Center is a collective in Virginia Beach at 4652 Haygood Road, Suite A. Ask us anything before you book, or schedule at healingartsvb.com.

Sources

Gross JJ. Antecedent- and response-focused emotion regulation: divergent consequences for experience, expression, and physiology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1998.

Gross JJ, John OP. Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003.

Cognitive reappraisal and expressive suppression strategies role in emotion regulation. Frontiers in Systems Neuroscience, 2014.

The neural bases of expressive suppression: a systematic review. Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, 2022.