Why "everything happens for a reason" doesn't help, and what to say instead
By Victoria Duarte, trauma-informed Reiki practitioner and neuro-somatic coach, co-founder of Healing Arts Center, Virginia Beach. Published July 30, 2026.
Short answer: telling someone in distress that everything happens for a reason usually lands as a dismissal rather than as comfort, because it asks them to find the purpose of their situation while they are still living in it. What helps is staying with them without needing them to feel better on your timeline.
One of the most damaging things we say to people to encourage them to heal is "everything happens for a reason." How many times have you heard it while you were in distress, feeling alone and afraid?
We have all heard this in the darkest moments of our lives. In the moments when we are learning to trust ourselves more and to find love for ourselves, we are left with more questions and more heartache. Words that are supposed to encourage us leave us empty, and often make us feel like we are being punished. These words do not comfort our inner landscape. If anything, they can feel like a dismissal of everything that is erupting inside us and around us.
We can feel isolated from genuine, safe connection.
What we actually need in order to heal
What we need in order to heal, to trust ourselves, and to reconnect to that grounded feeling of resilience is connection to another person who can hold space from a compassionate and loving place. Instead, the person we turn to can feel like they are cutting us off because we are too much. We are supposed to shrug it off and pretend we are okay, because the reality of it is too much for that person. We have written elsewhere about why the relationship itself is the work.
What to say instead
If you are the one who does not know what to say, none of these require you to have an answer.
- I don't know what to say, but I am not going anywhere.
- That sounds like a lot to be carrying. Tell me more about it.
- You don't have to be okay with me.
- Do you want company, or do you want help with something practical?
Asking that last question, rather than guessing, spares the person from having to manage your discomfort on top of their own situation.
What clients tell me about turning to family and friends
I cannot tell you how many times a client has told me they do not feel like they can turn to their family or their friends. They are made to feel like they are whining, or like they are the victim of their own story. And here they are, told by someone in their circle they trusted to just bear the pain, and that their pain has a purpose. We feel like no one understands us, and that somehow, once again, we are at fault for being too much.
Why choosing a trained practitioner matters
Now, this is something I need to say. Choosing a practitioner who is educated, trained, and skilled matters, because community is easy to advertise and much harder to build. Some of what gets sold as community in this industry is really an audience for one very charismatic person. You can usually tell by watching where the attention flows, and by what the people closest to that person put their energy into. If it goes toward managing how the leader is seen rather than toward how the members are actually doing, take that seriously and ask more questions before you commit your money, your time, or your trust.
Two questions worth asking before you book with anyone:
- What do you not work with, and who do you refer to?
- What happens if I decide to stop?
We have written a fuller guide to vetting a practitioner before you book, including what training to ask about and what you should never be made to feel in a session.
Places with integrity
But there are also places that understand the ache of loneliness and the suffocation of grief. Places with integrity, where the teachers and practitioners invest in continuing education and also invest in their own therapy and in constantly improving their mental wellbeing. They never reach the stage in life where they think they are better than anyone else, or that they want to be your hero, or that they themselves do not need a check-in.
The need for community is not neediness
The need for community is not neediness. It is biology. It is psychology. It is part of what makes us human.
This is measurable, not sentimental. A meta-analysis of 148 studies covering more than 300,000 people found that those with stronger social relationships had roughly a 50 percent greater likelihood of survival across the follow-up periods studied, an effect the authors placed alongside well established mortality risks such as smoking. In 2023 the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory treating loneliness and isolation as a public health problem, noting that social isolation is an independent risk factor for conditions including cardiovascular disease, dementia, and depression.
We do not heal in isolation. We heal in connection. We heal in communities. We do need to remember not all communities want you to heal.
Common questions
Why does "everything happens for a reason" hurt people?
Because it asks a person to justify their own suffering while they are still inside it, at the moment they were hoping simply to be heard. Many people also hear an implication that they caused what happened to them.
What should I say instead when someone is struggling?
Say that you do not know what to say, and then stay. Asking whether they want company or practical help is more useful than any explanation of why the situation happened.
Is needing other people a sign of weakness?
No. Social connection is a documented health factor rather than a personality trait, and wanting company through something hard is not a stage anyone is meant to outgrow.
How do I know whether a wellness community is trustworthy?
Ask what the practitioner does not work with, who they refer to, and what happens if you stop. A group organized around protecting one person's image tends to struggle with all three.
About the author
Victoria Duarte is a co-founder of Healing Arts Center in Virginia Beach, a trauma-informed Reiki practitioner, and a meditation and neuro-somatic coach with more than fifteen years of practice supporting adults through stress, grief, and life transitions. She has been vetted through several Special Operations Forces foundations and has offered Reiki mindfulness, and somatic practice it retreats and in session for the military community. Book with her at https://www.vagaro.com/healingartscenter
Scope of this article
This is a coaching and wellness perspective, not clinical care, and it does not replace working with a licensed mental health professional. Our collective includes licensed clinical services, and we refer both within and outside the collective when that is the better fit. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 in the United States.
Sources
- Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Medicine, 2010;7(7):e1000316.
- Office of the U.S. Surgeon General. Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community, 2023.
Healing Arts Center is a collective in Virginia Beach, which means you can look at who works here and choose the person who sounds like the right fit for you. Ask us anything before you book, or schedule at healingartsvb.com. We are at 4652 Haygood Rd Suite A, Virginia Beach.
