When “Should” Runs the Show

You tell yourself what you're supposed to do more often than you realize.

I should answer that email before I leave.
I should skip my break and go to that event.
I should work out more often.
I should still check work messages on vacation.
I should meal prep on Sundays.
I should be more social.
I should call my parents more.
I should have a cleaner house.
I should be better with money.

Every should says the same thing: you're not doing enough.

Handing Over Control

My daughter Jay loves the Salem witches. Always has. When she and her best friend wanted a Boston trip, I gave them the planning.

They picked everything. One day we drove to Maine. Hit the beach. Followed whatever caught our attention without worrying about hitting all the tourist spots or making every moment count.

We didn't have a must-see list. We didn't try to optimize our time. We just did what felt right.

People might say we should have planned better or seen more. But we had what we wanted: time together, freedom to wander, permission to skip what didn't interest us.

That was enough.

Where Should Comes From

Should doesn't usually come from you. It comes from absorbed expectations — family patterns, cultural messaging, what you think successful people do with their time.

Here's what happens: you stop checking whether these expectations fit your actual life. You measure yourself against standards you never agreed to. Your focus stays external — how things look, what gets accomplished, whether you're doing enough — instead of what serves you, what you need, what actually matters.

Real obligations exist. You have bills to pay and commitments to honor. But most should lives in the space between what actually has to happen and what you just think has to happen. You're carrying tasks you think you're supposed to handle, filling roles you think you're supposed to play, meeting standards nobody's actually holding you to except yourself.

When Anxiety Makes It Worse

If you deal with anxiety, should becomes something heavier. Normal self-reflection turns into relentless self-attack.

You didn't do that today becomes you should have done better. You should be better. You should handle this. You should be as capable as everyone else seems.

These aren't motivational. They're rooted in shame. They feel like proof you're failing instead of encouragement to try again.

And here's the trap: even when you meet a should, anxiety just generates another one. The finish line keeps moving. You're never caught up. You're never enough.

Sorting Through It

Not every should deserves rejection. Some align with what you value. The work is figuring out which ones fit and which ones you're just carrying out of habit.

Does this serve what matters to me, or does it just sound like something I'm supposed to do?

If it aligns with your values, keep it. If it doesn't, drop it. You can modify what almost fits, or ignore it entirely and choose something that works better.

The Question That Matters

Before your next task, stop.

Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think I'm supposed to?

You might not know immediately. You've probably spent years on autopilot, meeting expectations without questioning them.

Do it anyway. Decline something obligatory but unnecessary. Choose rest over productivity. Stop justifying what you want.

Watch what changes when your preferences matter as much as everyone else's opinions.

If You Want to Actually Stop

Write down every should you're carrying.

Ask why each one exists. Who decided this was required? Where did you learn it mattered?

Separate real obligations from imagined ones. Some things have to get done. Most don't.

Look at what remains. Choose what to release — not what sounds reasonable, what you can actually let go without real consequences.

When the voice comes back insisting you should do more, talk back: I could. I'm choosing not to. It doesn't serve me.

If that doesn't quiet it, list everything you're already handling. You're not avoiding responsibility. You're being selective about where your energy goes.

Then look at people around you. What expectations are you putting on them? Release those too.

Related Reading

If this reflection on internal pressure and obligation resonates, you may also find this piece helpful:

• Mindfulness as a Practice of Service
  https://www.healingartsvb.com/blog/mindfulness-as-a-practice-of-service

About Healing Arts Center

This piece was written by Healing Arts Center, an integrative wellness space offering somatic coaching, mindfulness-based support, and reflective practices for working with stress, anxiety, and internal pressure.

Our work focuses on helping people relate to responsibility, care, and attention in ways that don’t rely on self-criticism or obligation.

Learn more:
https://www.healingartsvb.com

Book or explore services:
https://www.vagaro.com/healingartscenter