Feeling Stuck in Life? The Peacekeeper in You May Be Angry
By Victoria Duarte, mindfulness and somatic coach and co-founder of Healing Arts Center
Feeling stuck is usually treated as a lack of motivation. For those of us who have spent years as the mediator and the peacekeeper, it may be anger that was never allowed out.
What does feeling stuck feel like?
Many of us are in a time in our lives where we can't figure out how to move forward. Everywhere we look there is a barricade. Sometimes it is doubt, sometimes it is fear, and sometimes it is the uncertainty that makes us cautious.
It can feel lonely trying to find a way through what feels like a drought. Everyone expects us to have the answers, to be the inspiration, to be the force of change, and it can feel like the weight of everything is on our shoulders. The drive that used to move us isn't there. The wall doesn't want to move. We wake up feeling this way, and we go to bed feeling this way.
Why would a peacekeeper feel stuck?
The peacekeeper is the one who smooths things over, hears every side, and makes sure nobody leaves upset. To do that for years, we have to set our own "no" aside again and again. It may be that the wall is built from every "no" we never said, and that the old way of being is asking for the anger to be let out.
"What's my incentive to change?"
The part of us that kept the peace will ask this, and it is a fair question. Being the peacekeeper came with rewards. People relied on us, thanked us, and felt safe around us. Letting the anger out puts those rewards at risk.
The incentive is that the old way has stopped working. We already know what staying costs, since we wake up with it and go to bed with it.
Five questions to ask when we can't move forward
In this post, letting anger out means naming it on paper and noticing it in the body. It never means directing it at another person. The work can begin with five questions.
What angers me? Write the list without explaining it away or defending anyone on it.
What hurts me? Anger and hurt are often about the same event. Name what hurt.
What is my definition of peace? For a peacekeeper, peace has usually meant that nobody else is upset. Write a definition that has room for our own feelings in it.
What is my definition of freedom? Make this answer as specific as possible. Freedom might be saying no without explaining it, or leaving a room when the conversation turns unkind.
What would my days look like with that peace and freedom in them? Picture one ordinary day. Notice who is there, what gets a yes, and what gets a no.
While answering, pay attention to the body. Tense muscles are part of the body's stress response, as Harvard Health explains, so a tight jaw or a clenched chest is worth noticing. A question I teach my clients fits here: what is this part of me asking for?
Book a session
These five questions can bring up more than a page of writing can answer. In a somatic coaching session, we work through them together, starting with what the body is communicating. Book a session with me at vagaro.com/healingartscenter, or call Healing Arts Center at (757) 251-9301.
Common questions
Why do I feel stuck when nothing is wrong?
Feeling stuck can come from a role that no longer fits, even when life looks fine from the outside. Someone who has always kept the peace may have set aside their own needs for so long that moving forward now requires hearing them.
Is it normal to feel angry after years of people pleasing?
Yes, anger is a common response when our own needs have gone unspoken for a long time. It points to a limit that was crossed.
How do I let anger out without hurting anyone?
Start by admitting it is there. Write it down, notice where it is in the body, and tell one trusted person.
About the author
Victoria Duarte is a mindfulness and somatic coach, a trauma-informed Reiki and meditation practitioner, and the co-founder of Healing Arts Center in Virginia Beach, Virginia. She has more than fifteen years of practice. She teaches clients the importance of creating space for self-compassion by tuning into what the body is communicating and finding cues of safety. Sessions can be scheduled at vagaro.com/healingartscenter.
This article is for education and self-reflection. It is not medical or mental health advice, and it does not replace care from a licensed professional. I am a mindfulness and somatic coach, and I am not a therapist. If feeling stuck comes with hopelessness or thoughts of harming yourself, contact a licensed clinician, or call or text 988.
